It started out as a great morning until it was time to get dressed. Suddenly everything in my closet was unappealing. I put on outfit after outfit and felt uncomfortable in all of them. This need to make a decision left me racing against the clock. Why can’t I wear sweatpants to work? I feel great in sweatpants. Literally outfits that I wore two weeks ago, outfits I picked out and received as Christmas gifts, left me feeling self-conscious. I don’t look good in anything! I muttered to myself as I threw another dress across my bed. Everything I thought I might like to wear couldn’t be found. I rummaged through the laundry baskets of clean clothes that I had yet to put away. Why did I not put these clothes up? New rule: don’t go to bed until all of the clothes are put away. Also, I hate laundry. My room looked like a tornado blew through it. And that clock reminds me that even though my hair is flat, I won’t have time to curl it.
Have you had one of those mornings? I know I’m not the only one.
And when I finally resolved to put on something and leave it on, I dashed out the door, determined that the rest of the day would be better.
Well, it was better until I got to work and realized I forgot the one thing I couldn’t forget at the house. I had printed off these papers and put them in a cute little folder and placed them in a very specific spot so I would not forget them when I left.
Of course I forgot them.
How could I forget them? I’m the responsible one! I have to run home and grab them. Could I make it there and back before the 8:45am meeting? I had to try.
I sped away, driving down Barker Cypress like a freakin’ NASCAR driver. All the while trying to breathe and convince myself that it’s not that big of a deal. Yet, I couldn’t help but give myself a mental beating. I should be the confident one, the organized one, the timely one, the responsible one. The mishaps and mistakes of the morning weighed down on me as I thanked the Lord for another green light.
In that moment God gave me an image that I can’t get out of my head. He spoke to me so clearly in that moment of panic and chaos. The image? Scales.
These scale balanced between Responsible and Irresponsible. Organized and Disorganized. Perfect and Imperfect.
I realized I work so hard to make sure the scale is tipping in favor of all of these expectations I have for myself. Any time I mess up, or fail to meet my own expectations, I feel as if a weight is taken off the pan labeled “Responsible” and put on the condemning side called “Irresponsible”. Unfortunately it didn’t stop there. All of these smaller scales turned in to one large scale labeled “Worthy” and “Unworthy”.
God showed me that I created this weighted system equating anything less than perfect as unworthiness.
I know God’s Truth, I know this is not of Him.
As I turned the corner to my house, 2 Corinthians 12:9 flooded my heart and mind, “My grace is sufficient for you”. God clearly and tenderly spoke to me: If I, a powerful, holy, and perfect God, show you grace in your imperfections, then you must also show grace to yourself.
By becoming my own judge, I’m denying God the ability to shower me with His grace. By trying to be perfect on my own, I am denying the righteousness of Jesus and limiting the power of the cross.
So I gave all of that to God–my crazy morning, my failures, my unrealistic expectations, my desire to be perfect. I received His grace with open arms. I committed to leaving the scales behind. And it turned out to be a really great day! (Not to mention the cardio workout I got from running around like a crazy person.)
If you find yourself in frantic mode today, remember that God’s grace goes further than we can even imagine! He longs to cover you and me with His acceptance, even in our not so admirable moments. We have to slow down enough to see it. We have to make our inner judge shut up long enough to see that God doesn’t look on us with judgmental eyes, moving weights around to determine our worth. Simply because He created us, saved us, and redeemed us, He finds us worthy of His love.
In the spirit of transparency, how does God speak to you in your chaotic moments?